Distinguishing Between Manipulation and Negotiation

Aggressive or manipulative people do not consider the other person’s point of view; they will take, at the expense of others.

-Richard Malthouse, ‎Jodi Roffey-Barentsen, Study Skills for Policing Students

People love to manipulate; People do not enjoy be manipulated. 

-Larry Ray

My job as an attorney advocate is to manipulate. My clients expect that. 

-Attorney Mediator/Negotiator, Washington, DC

Children may manipulate more than negotiate.  - MB, DC.

Introduction: The Basics with ChatGPTOpen AI

Manipulation and negotiation are distinct concepts but can be related in certain contexts. Here's an explanation of their relationship:

Manipulation: Manipulation refers to the act of influencing or controlling someone else's behavior, thoughts, or decisions through deceptive or unfair means. It often involves exploiting someone's vulnerabilities, emotions, or lack of information to achieve personal gain or advantage. Manipulation is typically considered unethical because it involves deceiving or coercing others without their informed consent.

Negotiation: Negotiation, on the other hand, is a process of communication and discussion between parties with the goal of reaching an agreement or resolving a conflict. It is a fundamental aspect of human interaction, occurring in various contexts such as business, politics, diplomacy, and personal relationships. Negotiation typically involves an exchange of ideas, preferences, and concessions to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Relationship between Manipulation and Negotiation: While manipulation and negotiation can both involve influencing others, their underlying intentions and methods differ significantly:

1.     Intent: Manipulation is driven by self-interest and a desire to control others for personal gain, often without considering the other party's needs or rights. In contrast, negotiation aims to find a mutually beneficial outcome where both parties' interests are addressed and respected.

2.     Methods: Manipulation relies on deceptive tactics, emotional manipulation, coercion, or exploitation of vulnerabilities to shape another person's behavior or decisions. In negotiation, the focus is on open communication, active listening, presenting persuasive arguments, and finding common ground to achieve a fair agreement.

3.     Ethics: Manipulation is generally seen as unethical, as it involves dishonesty, exploitation, and disregard for others' autonomy and well-being. Negotiation, when conducted ethically and in good faith, respects the rights and interests of all parties involved.

While negotiation primarily involves constructive and collaborative approaches, it is essential to remain vigilant against potential manipulation tactics. Being aware of manipulative techniques can help individuals maintain fairness, transparency, and respect in negotiation processes.

Children Negotiate or Manipulate?

There are several books that speak of how adults can learn to negotiate like a child.  One does wonder whether this is a true give-and-take negotiation or the use of manipulative tactics.

The most referenced book is How to Negotiate Like a Child: Unleashing the Little Monster in You. Here is the introduction:

Look into the eyes of a child and you will find yourself face-to-face with one of the world's greatest negotiators. Children are naturals at manipulating, cajoling, arguing, sweet-talking, and conning their parents into pretty much anything they want on a regular basis. So why don't we as adults borrow a page or two from their playbook? 

What are these techniques? There are fourteen basic child-negotiation skills:

• Throw a tantrum

• Ask the person who’s most inclined to say “yes”

• Play one side against the other. Get sympathy.

• Take your time

• Change the rules. Solicit a bribe.

• Wear the other side down

• Turn the negotiations into a game

• Act irrationally

• Worry the other side that you might be sick

• Make weak promises

• Win through cuteness

• Take your toys and go home

Each of these techniques comprise a chapter in How to Negotiate Like a Child.

Reviewing these so-called skills provokes one to think more and more about manipulation rather than give-and-take negotiation.

International sales and business leader Luke O’Connor offers this about children and negotiation:

But the best negotiators I know, by far, are kids… Children don’t always win their negotiations (and nor should they!) but they have the brass neck to negotiate despite having no real power base and win more frequently than they should do… Kids practice…on a near daily (sometimes hourly on a weekend!) basis. 

O’Connor opines as to why, if we have all of these inherited negotiation skills, we lose them. He speculates it is because people become too self-aware, adhere to social norms, avoid conflict, don’t want to get laughed at, or don’t want to be seen as too demanding.

Others speculate that as people become more self-aware and educated, they recognize these moves as manipulative tactics.

Ohio Dad Chad declares: In my opinion I think both. It is usually starts with negotiation then if that doesn’t work in comes the manipulation lol. 

Persuasion is not Manipulation

It is often said that the key to effective persuasion is to

• Persuade to emotions,

• Persuade to logic and

• Persuade to values.

The intensity of each of these varies according to the persuadee and the subject matter. If the one to be persuaded is of the logical type, then emphasize logic. The persuader’s role is to present enough information so that the persuadee

• Will understand how the persuader believes in this way; that is, the persuadee puts themselves in the shoes of the persuader or

• The persuadee will doubt their positions and will search for the underlying interests.   This search often leads to creative options, or

• The persuadee will actually move from their position to one closer to that of the persuader.

There is an old saying: People pushed against their will are of the same opinion still.  Of course, this means that most people do not enjoy and do not respond well to being pushed, being forced.

Conclusion

Again, many people love to manipulate; few people like to be manipulated. Before meeting with a person, one should do the research about how the other person negotiates. One might discover that the other person uses manipulation tactics. If they have done this in one negotiation, they will probably use it in the next one. Be aware. Be cautious. Watch out for unrealistic deadlines or conditional offers. If one spots manipulative tactics, first, pause and then name the tactic.  Appeal to logic, values and emotions.

Resources:

The Conflict Resolution Training Program, Leader’s Manual

ISBN:  0-7879-6077-2   Prudence Bowman Kestner and Larry Ray

Mediation Manual, Prudence Bowman Kestner and Larry Ray, self-published.

School Conflict Management Resource Guide,  Prue Kestner and Larry Ray, self-published.