Toxic Positivity aka False or Empty Assurances Are Unhelpful in Problem Solving

Introduction

Readers may not be familiar with the term toxic positivity.  Once, it is explained, they will realize they use it frequently.

Target Words and Terms Redux

One past blog entry focused on Target Words and Terms aka irritators or hot button words. These are terms like:

• You have to…You should….which comes across as lecturing.

• Beginning a question with “Why” which feels accusatory.

• Yes, but…is another example in which the conjunction “but” negates the phrase before. I like your essay, but….

Even though people may be aware of this, most tend to use them anyway creating sometimes unpleasant reactions or conversations.

Vacant or Vacuous Language Redux

Another blog entry focused on vacuous or vacant Language. This, is a communication category that many are aware of but may not have considered the classification as vacant or vacuous.

• Rearing a child doesn’t come with a playbook

• Life isn’t fair

These are phrases or words that do not add to the conversation and could also be irritating.  Most of the time, these could easily be left “unsaid.”

This blog entry is devoted to another communication modality that some refer to as toxic positivity or empty assurances. The examples will be familiar.

Examples of toxic positivity or empty assurances

Toxic positivity statements can be both irritating and empty.

• My whole life is messed up. Response: Things will sort out; they always do.

• We are all humans. We make mistakes.

• My business is about to go under. Response: We won’t allow that to happen.

• I have months to live with terminal cancer. Response: We are all living with dying.

• A 16 year-old is missing. Response: We will find them.

• Parent of four dies of cancer. Response: God has a plan.

• Parent loses their job. Response: You will find another job soon.

• Home burns down. Response: All will work out in the end.

• Jon is arrested for murder. Response: Everything will be fine.

• Pregnant F loses her baby. Response: It is God’s will.

• My relationship is falling apart. Response: If it were meant to be….

• We are in debt over our heads. Response: We’ll do something.

• They may beat me and put me in the hospital. Response: That will never happen.

• I did not get the promotion. Response: When one door closes….

• He is going to kill me. Response: That is not going to happen.

• Student is worried about changing high schools because of the divorce. Response: It will all work out.

• My partner died. Response: Everything will work out.

• D thinks they are losing their business. Response: It’s not over 'til it’s over.

• R lost their job. Response: You will find another, better job, I promise.

• A’s home burned down. Response: I promise you, things will get better.

• It’s all my fault. Response: No, it will be alright.

• I’m losing my home. Response: You’ll figure something out.

• My partner passed. Response: To everything there is a season.

Some of the above may sound like Platitudes: a remark or statement, especially one with a moral content, that has been used too often to be interesting or thoughtful.

The Communication Intent is Admirable

Toxic positivity could be a communication subset of, irritators and vacant language. As demonstrated by the responses above, these are not sympathetic, empathetic, or helpful.   They are probably said by people who feel obligated to respond, but don’t know what to say. Many of the above responses exude false assurances. The person who is responding has no basis for this assurance.

Example: Some people enjoy the positivity during a crisis. P has not been to the doctor for 5 years. During this examination, one of his tests scored highly causing concerns and setting the stage for further examination. Most of his family and friends told him not to worry; he will get through this AND he felt comforted.

Better Communication-More Meaningful Response

EXAMPLE: A is worried that the utility technician will not arrive to fix the service since they did not arrive this day.

A typical false assurance response: I assure you this will not happen again.

Better response: I apologize. I know you were looking forward to your service working again especially since you teach online. I am assigning a Level Two Technician. The L2T is a salaried employee versus a L1T who is a contractor. I will tell the Tech to call you before their arrival.

EXAMPLE: I am worried about this audition since I have not auditioned for awhile.

A typical false assurance response: I know you will do well. This is the first time these two people have met so there is no way of knowing.

Better response: You look good. You look prepared. Do your best.

Conclusion

One retiring successful CEO was being interviewed and asked what lessons had they learned from their rich and diverse experience. They said, I learned to talk less and listen more.

Poet Emily Dickinson: A word once said, is dead they say; I believe it just begins to live that day.

This means, words matter. Do a bit of “word doctoring” before one speaks. When a person is in a crisis, it is often helpful to be sympathetic and empathetic. Usually, false assurances or toxic positivity is not helpful.

Resources

The Conflict Resolution Training Program, Leader’s Manual

ISBN:  0-7879-6077-2   Prudence Bowman Kestner and Larry Ray

Mediation Manual, Prudence Bowman Kestner and Larry Ray, self-published.

School Conflict Management Resource Guide,  Prue Kestner and Larry Ray, self-published.