Effective Negotiation Can Be Gentle.

• In a gentle way, you can shake the world.

• Pope Francis used Gentle Persuasion. He was a balm not a blowtorch.

• In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit.

• Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. - Saint Francis de Sales

• Constant, gentle pressure is my preferred technique for leadership, guidance, and coaching. - Danny Meyer

• Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful than Thor with his hammer. The one melts, the other breaks into pieces. - Henry David Thoreau

Introduction

At the end of a law school semester negotiation class, each student offered their take-away. One student declared that the class had a gentleness to it. They learned a lot through this approach versus a cut-throat, yelling, arguing approach. Maybe coincidentally, recently on TV, a person reviewed the Great American Baking Show calling it a gentle approach.   What did that mean?

Focus on Baking and Friendship:

The show emphasizes the baking process and the camaraderie among the contestants, with bakers often helping each other and celebrating each other's successes. 

Mild Competition:

While there's competition, it's not overly cutthroat, with contestants generally being supportive and encouraging. 

Positive Role Models:

The judges, like Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith, are known for being kind and encouraging, even when providing constructive criticism. 

Wholesome Hosts:

The hosts, like Ellie Kemper and Zach Cherry, add a touch of lightheartedness and charm to the show. 

No Harsh Language or Drama:

The show avoids excessive language or dramatic storylines, making it suitable for family viewing. 

When the student was shown the baking analysis of “gentle” they said that is exactly what I meant. 

Gentle Negotiation or Diplomacy is on a Continuum.

One might wonder, what can negotiators learn from the Great American Baking Show?   Lots!

An effective negotiator needs to be flexible according to the situation and the other negotiators. Sometimes, maybe 20% of the time, negotiations are competitive, even “the take-no-prisoners” approach. An effective negotiator can efficiently deal with these situations.

Effective negotiators devote much time to planning and the negotiation stages.  At the same time, they need to be poised to identify:

• Transformational moments.

• Opportunities to compromise, cooperate, and collaborate.

These opportunities may present themselves in approximately 80% of negotiations.

Thus, at the other end of the negotiation styles continuum is the gentle approach.

There are several books entitled the Power of Nice. One, in particular stands out:

The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World With Kindness

Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval have moved to the top of the advertising industry by following a simple but powerful philosophy: it pays to be nice. Where so many companies encourage a dog eat dog mentality, the Kaplan Thaler Group has succeeded through chocolate and flowers. In THE POWER OF NICE, through their own experiences and the stories of other people and businesses, they demonstrate why, contrary to conventional wisdom, nice people finish first. Turning the well-known adage of “Nice Guys Finish Last” on its ear, THE POWER OF NICE shows that “nice” companies have lower employee turnover, lower recruitment costs, and higher productivity. Nice people live longer, are healthier, and make more money. In today’s interconnected world, companies and people with a reputation for cooperation and fair play forge the kind of relationships that lead to bigger and better opportunities, both in business and in life. But being nice doesn’t mean acting wimpy. In fact, nice may be the toughest four-letter word you’ll ever encounter. 

When is gentle negotiation appropriate?

Most (maybe 80%) of negotiations are not one shot deals. They often are about relationships and this sets the stage for gentle negotiation and gentle persuasion.   Remember the quote:

A person pushed against their will is of the same opinion still.

Most negotiators do not appreciate being pushed, intimidated, threatened, and manipulated.

The research is clear that people are more persuaded by negotiators they like and especially by negotiators they trust. The gentleness contributes to liking and trusting.   Gentleness builds rapport and relationships.

Preventing and Avoiding Conflict. Gentle Negotiation and Persuasion helps to prevent and avoid conflict.  So, if a negotiator presents an unworkable idea, the effective negotiator does not say, no or I disagree. Instead they will listen to the unworkable idea, value it, and summarize. Minutes later, the effective negotiator might say, I have another perspective.   I have another idea.

Creativity: There is a need in most negotiations for creativity. The approach above sets the stage for creativity. So, instead of Yes or No responses, differing perspectives are recognized. Effective negotiators want all the negotiators to not only achieve their goal, but to go beyond the goals. In this way, they want to negotiate with an effective negotiation again and again.

Situations in which Gentle Negotiation May Not Work.

Hard-Driving Negotiators: If one is dealing with a dominant, hard-driving, take-no-prisoners approach, an effective negotiator might need to match the power, the pushiness, the demands.

Differences in Power: If there is a severe imbalance in power, gentle negotiation may be work since the negotiator with the power may take advantage.

One Shot Negotiation: In some situations, maybe 20%, there is no short or long term relationship involved. These negotiations are more transactional or bargaining.

Conclusion

Effective negotiators realize that they need to flex their negotiation style according to the situation and the people involved. Despite detailed planning, effective negotiators look out for opportunities to cooperate, to collaborate, and for transformative moments. This is especially important when negotiators need to build relationships, likeability, and trust.  Gentle negotiation can be effective in many circumstances although the negotiator may need at times to be forceful and dominant in some situations.

NOTE:   Pope Francis[b] (born Jorge Mario Bergoglio;[c] 17 December 1936 – 21 April 2025) was the head of the Catholic Church and sovereign of the Vatican City State from 13 March 2013 until his death on Easter Monday, 21 April 2025. He was the first pope from the Society of Jesus (the Jesuit Order)….Francis was admired by millions and is often called Humble, Nice and Gentle.   Most would consider Francis to be effective…Pope Francis has significantly impacted the world through his emphasis on social justice, interfaith dialogue, environmental protection, and advocacy for marginalized communities. He has called for global solidarity and urged wealthier nations to share resources with developing countries, particularly during the COVID-19 pandemic. Francis has also championed climate action….Former US President Joe Biden:   "Pope Francis will be remembered as one of the most consequential leaders of our time….”

PS: Mister Rogers used a gentle approach to giving parents lessons. Mister Rogers is known for his positive influence on children. He also offered valuable insights and lessons for parents on how to support their children's emotional and social development. He taught parents about modeling healthy emotional expression, fostering empathy, and the importance of creating a supportive and accepting environment for children. 

Mister Rogers was known for his gentle and compassionate nature, and that was evident in his interview with Diane Rehm. In fact, Rehm considered it one of her favorite interviews, highlighting Rogers's loving and caring voice. She even keeps a picture of him on her office wall, according to Diane Rehm. The interview was one of his last, conducted shortly before his death in 2003.