Missing the Point: A Negotiator's Nightmare

Have you ever told a story or presented a picture and the receivers/listeners completely missed the point?  

Examples:

Assaulted but smoking:  A was telling an assault incident to B and C.  A explained that D was waiting at the bus stop.  She was wearing her new Apple over-the-ear headphones and just lit her cigarette when a teen biked by, grabbed her headphones and knocked her to the ground. She had never been assaulted before and was stunned.  B responded "What model were the headphones?" C responded, "I thought she quite smoking."  Both B and C has missed the point of the story:  The Assault.

Lovely donated pictures of Lincoln Memorial: A friend of mine who loves photography gave me a wonderful picture of this Memorial in a blue glow. I hung it on my kitchen wall. I showed it to my friends and half of them were completely focused on the fact that the picture was not centered.

Bakers Shelf: A assembled a 5-foot high bake's shelf for the bedroom. Homeowner B took a pix of such and proudly showed it to his friends. The friends completely focused on the above hanging of a metal bridge piece of art that was slanted downwards. They missed the point of what a great addition the baker's shelf was to the bedroom.

Wrist Blood Pressure Monitor: A was unaware that there existed a wrist blood pressure instrument. A bought one and shared the results with friends. The friends completely focused on A's first number that was 133 and probably should have been 127; instead of the ease of measuring blood pressure per the wrist.

Guzzling liquids example: A wonders aloud to B and C about friend D guzzling liquids. B and C immediately assume A is referring to alcohol because they did not allow A to complete the thought. A explained that A meant all liquids including iced tea. B then asserted that B had complained about too much ice in the tea and not enough tea. A clarified, that was not the point.

AI: People often guzzle liquids, or "chug," to quickly satisfy intense thirst, provide immediate comfort, or feel full faster, although sipping is generally more efficient for hydration. The rapid swallowing action triggers brain signals that provide a quick, rewarding sensation of being quenched, regardless of the actual water absorption rate.  American Psychological Association recommends sipping.

Introduction

A major communication problem, especially with negotiation, is the listener missing the point of the story, the presentation, or the argument. The above examples are not that unusual. How do the listeners get diverted from the essential point? So, why does this happen, what are the causes, and what are the remedies?

Causes of "Missing the Point"

There are many causes for this communication phenomenon.

The listener simply does not want to hear the point. The listener either unconsciously or consciously simply does not want to hear this angle of the conflict or the dispute or the solution. They do not want to consider that possibly this option or alternative is viable. Maybe they don't want to realize that filing a court suit is an alternative. Maybe ending the relationship is too emotional to consider.

Poor Listening Skills is No. 1: Communication research indicates that most people are listening at a 25% effectiveness level. Further the research show that most people listen effectively for about twelve minutes. 

Speaking Delivery Issues: It could be that the presenter, the speaker, has not organized the presentation. Maybe it is a bit meandering, not focused.

People are self-absorbed and immediately think of their behavior.

People often quickly link the story to their agenda or their pet peeve.

Lack of emotional connection to the story or presentation: If a story does not trigger empathy or make the listener feel the experience, they may not understand its significance.

Distraction and engagement: Listeners may have short attention spans or simply not interested, causing them to check out mentally.

Listeners may have a blind spot on certain issues. This usually means that emotion controls their views rather than logic. Because of the blinds spot, they cannot see the nuances of the issue.

One example of a blind spot may be political commentator Andrew Sullivan.  Over the past years, he has become anti-Zionist, so no matter what a person says in this arena, most likely the point will be missed by him. He surely condemns the pro-Israel lobby on US foreign policy.

On the other side of the issue is political host Bill Maher. He will probably miss the point unless the point contains support for Israel. He feels that Israel is subjected to a double standard especially in news reporting.

Remedies: So what can the presenter do to avoid listeners missing the point?

Encourage active listening: Instead of a lengthy presentation, keep the story brief. Set the stage for the listener to “actively listen” by asking questions, echoing certain terms, and summarizing; therefore, the listener is engaged and more likely to “get the point” or be persuaded.

Behavior labeling: This is a great communication skill. The presenter is saying in the beginning what the point is. This captures the attention of the listener and focuses them.    Using the introductory examples of ‘missing the point” the presenter could begin:

• Let me tell you about this assault. The presenter is not talking about the person smoking but instead the assault.

• Let me tell you about this new medical device: the wrist blood pressure measurer. The presenter is not focusing on the actual readings.

• Let me show you this great picture with colors of the Lincoln Memorial. How the picture is hanging is not the focus.

• Manage expectations: One of the laws of persuasion is that of expectations. It is often said that, we hear what we expect to hear; we see what we expect to see. So the listener does not miss the point. The presenter needs to state in the beginning what the point is. For example, the presenter might say, "Let me lay out a plan of action that will meet the goals of both of us or let me explain how this option will benefit both of us."

• Examine the delivery:  Appeal to emotions, values and/or logic. One needs to take a closer look at their delivery of the presentation or story. It is often said that people are persuaded by emotion, by logic, and by values. The presenter needs to put themselves in the shoes of the listener. How can the listener be the most persuaded? Are they more logical, emotional, or value-driven. The presentation can then be tailored.

• Examine the delivery - Persuasion Law of Involvement: One can tell the story; show the story; tell and show the story; but the most persuasive presentation is one that involves them.

• Examine the delivery - See, Hear or Do: Most people have a preference as to how they want the presentation to be. Some, prefer visual; some, auditory; and some, kinesthetic. Present in the way the listener prefers. One way to discover their preference is to listen to their language. Do they say:

  • I see your point?

  • I hear you?

  • Let’s do it?

• Overcoming bad listening: Most people are replete with poor listening habits. The presenter needs to be aware of these and actively work to overcome them. One poor listening skills is to immediately focus on their problem instead of the presenting one.  For example, one might be talking about a problem with the boss. The listener may instantly be thinking about their boss issues. Maybe the presenter needs to assertively say, "Let’s first focus on this issue with this boss and then we can discuss your issue with your boss."

Another poor listening habit is distractions. In this day and age, the mobile phone is the number one distraction. The presenter could avoid this by beginning with, "This discussion will only take eleven minutes. Can all of us place our phones on mute or do not disturb for that short time?"

Another poor listening habit is interruptions. The speaker might say, "May I have four minutes of your time to summarize my conflict and then you can ask me questions?"

Conclusion

People, negotiators, and speakers need to realize that there is often poor communication, such as the listener completely missing the point of the story or the presentation. Since the presenter is anticipating this, they can plan ahead how to manage the listening skills of the listener. The presenter can assist the listener from being distracted and instead is focusing on the main thrust of the story or presentation. This process will relieve frustrations and might progress efficiently towards progress or resolution.

Resources

The Conflict Resolution Training Program, Leader’s Manual

ISBN:  0-7879-6077-2, Prudence Bowman Kestner and Larry Ray

Essentials of Negotiation 7th Edition Roy Lewicki, Bruce Barry, David Saunders

ISBN: 9781260399455 / 1260399451 / © 2021

Maximum Influence, The 12 Universal Laws of Power Persuasion, Kurt W. Mortensen.

Say What You Mean.  Get What You Want, A Businessperson’s Guide to Direct Communication, Judith C. Tingley, Ph.D.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie.   “The first-and still the best book of its kind-to lead you to success.”

How to Negotiate Like a Child-Unleash the Little Monster Within to Get Everything You Want,  Bill Adler, Jr., ISBN 0-8144-7294-X

Making Your Case-The Art of Persuading Judges, Antonin Scalia and Bryan A. Garner, www.west.thomson.com, ISBN 978-0-314-18471-9